In this warped realm known as reality.
Where superficiality satisfies because it requires the less effort yet leaves us guiltless. And compromise is the best form of resolution because hurt will be uniformly distributed. As morning dawns and evening fades, regardless, it goes on.
I still resent being the bearer of burdens and the keeper of secrets. The designated wing man, or pretty girl's ugly best friend. Yet not having the will to comply, and not brutal enough (or, dare I say, courage) to walk away, the outcome is the same. By the end of the night, as they all return to their nest and sanctuary together, I stand alone.
In the fullness of God, I believed that a purpose will prevail. In the fullness of His time, I try my damn hardest to remember that. But when the darkness encompasses you, and you are your own best friend, times get tough. Doing what's easy is suddenly enticing, and all the more rewarding. You forget that those tears within, that cannot be wept, are still seen, heard, and touched by the Creator of this universe.
Satan tells you that this is it. There is no more. With all his might, Lucifer blankets you with depression and despair, falsifying the facade that the light of truth and righteousness can perhaps, be distorted. Skillfully, and persistently, until you draw your last breath, or until the Bridegroom comes home, this too, like the tinge of inert sin, dances around your life with you when you least expect it. Sometimes, it is distasteful and repulsive. More than often though, even though your initial instinct detects its sense of destruction, want and desire leaves you in a trance of awe. Even if we do not fully engage, the fact that our focus and mentality is swayed ever so slightly is almost failure in itself.
Most days, I lift my head up high, even if my heart is sunk and my spirit nearly crushed. My intention and reason is that if I cannot push myself forward, or if I cannot bring myself to do so because it's just easier not to, then I should at least push others forward. Like the banana peel in Mario Kart, alone, I am worthless trash. But when others head my way, I can at least make some worth of myself through propelling them forward.
Yes, I am a hypocrite. And I know, only because, it is easier of the three options. Turning back is impossible, but pressing forward requires effort and stamina I cannot muster or find. Stagnation is almost as worthless as regression, but I would like to divert myself into thinking otherwise.
Most people say that drinking makes you say and do things you do not mean. I feel it is the opposite. The consequence of drunkenness is not impulsiveness, rather, it is the absence of self control. Just as darkness is the absence of light, our own intentional sin is the absence or deliberate avoidance of the fruit of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are all beautiful and glorious things that the Lord had created. Our own desire for lewdness and indulgence however, dampens it, and we fall into the same trap that the serpent had laid since the beginning of humanity: instead of stepping up to admit or correct the flaw, we do what the master of lies and deception want us to do, to use him as a crutch to easily bask and sever our ties with the One and only.
I drink to escape. I drink to not think. But I drink remembering that the self-control is also mine to abandon, not lose.
In moments like these, I begin hoping for a companion that would be able to understand and identify with me. To ease the sting of loneliness, and to be held accountable for the reasonings that were thought, and the words that were said.
In the end however, I realize, I am not looking for an accomplice.
And that the reason why I stand alone, is because my pride and shame pushes others away.
In this cold and dreary mirage of darkness, like this ever so cold Buffalo night however, I realize that my sole desire is still the same as the day I dedicated my life for my Master alone. In the darkness, in the stillness, even if my eyes have trouble focusing, I still gaze for the specks of light that shine through like seeking the stars in the night.
In the faithful and stary Buffalo night sky, when I am alone, I can freely surrender and let myself focus, as long as I want, however I want, until I see the beauty in the broken, and the glory of His majesty. The thought of caution does not even arise, because in this moment, it really is just me alone. Or shall I most expectedly and honestly say, it is my Abba and me alone, where He ever so distinctly admonishes me that He is mindful of me, that there is more than this, and that I have the ability and capacity to go on, and that the choice is mine.
